Wednesday, April 27, 2005

James Dobson Was (nearly) Right

File this under B for better late than never.

I wrote about this months ago on some other site. Possibly FreeRepublic, to which I belonged for about three days until I was kicked off and all traces of my existance wiped from the earth.

Anyway even though the fire over this has died down, it remains relevant. James Dobson, he of Focus on the Family, made an absolute laughing stock of himself when he challenged a pro-tolerance video sent to elementary schools. He was (mis?)quoted as saying Spongebob Squarepants was gay. He later denied saying this on Scarborough. Too bad he denied it. Spongebob IS gay. I have proof.

By all-accounts Spongebob is an animated representation of an anthropomorphic sea sponge. A sea sponge is a primative animal of the phylum Porifera. Almost all sea sponges fit into one of four catergories, though there are something around 15,000 species of sponge. However, even though there are thousands of varieties, a vast majority of them are, in essence, asexual.

Asexual, meaning that there are no male or female sponges, rather they can play either the male or female role depending on what is needed for hot spongy sexual reproduction. In a pinch some sponges can even play both roles and will reproduce asexually. So, basically, sponges swing both ways.

Because there is only one "sex" of sponge, by definition, they are homosexuals. They are gay. They engage in sex with animals that are sexually identical to themselves. If I had to pick the type of gay, I would have to say lesbian. No gay male would be caught anywhere near a vagina.

Dobson, in retreating from his non-claim that Spongebob was gay was not only wrong, he also passed up a great opportunity to educate our nation's children as to the fascinating reproductive nature of one of the oldests creatures on the planet.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Help Wanted

I need a pornography enthusiast (or just a pornography tolerator really) who uses a Windows based system (I'm on a Mac, otherwise, believe me, I'd be all over this) and who wants to annoy Christian Fundamentalists.

The Story:

Xxxchurch is an anti-porn ministry. (Note that I have no problem with what they do. I am sure lots of people suffer from porn addiction and I'm sure the industry takes advantage of women. Hot young sexy women.)

This ministry offers a downloadable program that you can install to your windows based PC. Once installed, it monitors your browsing habits and records all the naughty sites you go to. Ho hum you say? Well this brilliant little program then notifies two "accountability partners" that you get to designate of your transgressions. Boo Ya.

So What Is The Plan?

In short, download the program and assign famous right-wing personalities as your accountability partners* for laughs.

Send them an introductory email. Use a gmail or yahoo account that you've specially made for this purpose. Try to sound totally on the up and up. Say that you've had some problems with pornography, that it is breaking up your marriage, but through Christ's love , you are working it out etc. etc. Tell them you have found this great program and want them, your hero, to hold you accountable. Reassure them that they won't have to do anything, because you will not possibly break down with them involved. Tell them that between you and your mother (your other accountability partner), you will have the strength.

Then be a good boy for a few weeks. After a while though, give in late one night. Nothing too raunchy. (and by the way, I think it sends them a list of domain names, so regardless of the actual content, it is the domain name that matters), something like will be fine for the first slip. (As you may have noticed, doesn't even have any porn. The first link is to Sears for crissakes.)

Immediately (well, ten minutes later) send them an email. Apologize. Maybe even make up a lame excuse. Reassure that you have prayed over it and that you realize how this is hurting you and your family, and you won't let them down again yadda yadda yadda.

Be a good boy for another week or so.

Slip-up again. Only a bit worse this time. Now there are multiple domain names, and they are getting a little more explicit. might be about the right tone. And instead of a few page views, there is a good half hour worth of clicking around.

Apologize profusely again. You shame is palpable.

Keep up this cycle about once per week. Only each time, the slip-up gets worse. The domain names should be overtly nasty by now. In other words, start giving them the good stuff. The following words should now be regularly appearing in their (now weekly) report: Ass, Sperm, MILF, Cock, Asian, Black and so on.

Keep up the guilty apologies as well. Each time. Possiby even explain that once-a-week is a big improvement for you, and that you are convinced that the fact that he (right-wing asshole) is there is keeping you from doing it every night, etc. etc. This might be a good time to mention that Mom is having some difficulties with the types of sites you have been ostensibly looking at.

Now we move into the final phase. If they are still on board, the domains should be getting more and more deviant. The words Teen, Gay, and Gang are with us, and are being joined by She-Male, Gag, and DP which are now sprinkling into the mix. (This could be followed by the inevitable movement into site names that suggest things that are downright illegal, which I am not suggesting at all, though it could be funny if done subtly enough. I.e. No on Kids. Yes on Horses.)

See how long you can string it out. See how long before they realize you are just fucking with them. If anyone does this, and relates an intersting story to me with proof (send to, I will post it here. I promise.

Good luck, and if your porn habit is starting to have a negative impact on your life, may I suggest

*Obviously you aren't going to get the actual email address of a Tom DeLay or James Dobson. (if you do, gimme gimme) However, columnists usually have e-mail addresses. All the Fox guys do.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Blue States

In an article on Seattle area resident, and right wing columnist Michael Medved, a Seattle Weekly reporter apparently stumped Medved with the following question:

"If conservative ideas are so good, why is it that all the good places to live are so liberal?"

Excellent question. Fact is, most of the well-known, hard-core, multiple-hyphen-earning wing-nuts live in Liberal Blue States. Not in the heartland. Not in the deep south.

Here are all the pundits I could think of off-hand and where the internets tell me they currently reside.

Matt Drudge - Miami (Bluest part of Florida)
Rush Limbaugh - Ditto (Palm Beach) (also used to live in Manhattan)
Peggy Noonan - New York
Michael Medved - Washington State; in King County no less!
Michael Savage - Bay Area.
Sean Hannity - Blue New York (Long Island)
Bill O'Reilly - Blue New York as well.
Bill Kristol - Bluer than blue Washington D.C. (or technically McClean)
Pat Buchanan - Ditto.
Ann Coulter - Manhattan
Michelle Malkin - Blue State Maryland
Hugh Hewitt - Blue California
John Gibson - Blue New Jersey
Charles Krauthammer - Blue Maryland

So what is the deal here? If these people love RedState America so much, WHY DON'T THEY LIVE THERE?

I realize some of these people live in blue cities for their jobs (all the Fox guys), but others, (Medved, Savage, Coulter) have no such excuse. And with technology as it is, most of these people could live in Peru and still write their columns, or do their radio shows.

Fact is, they wouldn't live in Nebraska if you paid them. Not that I am saying there is anything wrong with Nebraska mind you, I just think is it pathetic that these hacks tell me that we don't "get it" here in the liberal blue states, when they choose to live here as well.

Put your money where your mouths are people.
If you like Red America so much, by all means . . .

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Cheers! to the New Pope

Wow. I did not see this coming at all. I had long insisted that Kelsey Grammar was far and away the most successful member of the Cheers cast. While Woody Harrelson was looking like an up and coming star for a while, you can't knock Kelsey's impressive body of work, (even if he is a republican; see post below). But man, John Ratzenberger just up and lapped the field by becoming Pope.

Not only is Ratzenberger the first American Pope, but he is also the first Pope to have been both married and divorced, to hold a black belt in Karate, and to have acted in more than one Pixar film (JPII provided the voice for one of the two acrobatic potato bugs in A Bug's Life).

Congratulations to John Ratzenberger. Pope Clavin the First.

Monday, April 18, 2005


My favorite recurring theme that I hear again and again from the wing-nuts out there is all the griping about Tim Robbins, or Danny Glover, or Leonardo DiCaprio, or whoever, over their speaking their mind on some issue. Some utter hacks have even written books about it. Here's the funny thing: These people are full of shit.

These people are clearly just jealous that our celebrities are simply better than theirs. They certainly can't claim they don't worship celebrities. After all they are the one's who have elected a movie star President of the United States and President of the NRA. Ahem, Arnold Schwartzeneggar anyone?

Any party who can complain about Sean Penn in one breath and who will then turn around and invite a B-lister like Ron "Timecop" Silver to not only attend the Republican National Convention, but to speak to the delegates has got one of two things; serious balls, or serious issues.

No, the simple fact is, they are jealous. For every Toby Keith or Gerald McRaney they have, we can pull out multiple multiple A-list celebrities such as Bruce Springsteen, or George Clooney, or Willie Nelson, or Johnny Depp, or Julia Roberts, or Tom Hanks, or Robert Redford, etc. etc.

Look at how the wing-nut-osphere embraced Mel Gibson if you still don't believe me.

I was remided of this by the recent warm response to the train wreck that is former one-hit wonder Ted Nugent at the recent NRA annual meeting. Is there a person alive who thinks this insane asshole would even exist in our collective memories if he weren't an outspoken conservative? Anyone?

What next? "I cede my 10 minutes to the distinguished Senator Larry the Cable Guy"

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Thanks Neil

Originally uploaded by Seattle Slough.
God I love Fox News.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Bad Calls

While there are many, many decisions made by persons or groups that could be considered bad calls, there is a certain type of decision that rises above all others. That is where a person or group spends years, or even decades, building up a reputation for or mastery of something, and then, Poof! in a fit of stupidity throws it all away for a brief period forever tainting all they had accomplished before.

The textbook case of this is New Coke. Other good examples are Michael Jordan playing baseball (as eloquently described here) or Shaquille O'Neil doing whatever the hell this is supposed to be. Double special honoroable mention goes to Swatch for thinking big and dreaming up a world where . . . well you just gotta read this shit for yourself. Could possibly be the stupidest idea ever. Seriously.

Even if you aren't particularly great at something, that doesn't give you the right to expect us to appreciate you trying something else, or to even have an open mind about it. Take me, I write a seldom updated blog which sucks. Does that mean I can assume you want me to post songs from my band? Of course not.

All of which brings us to the topic of the week.

Remember when you could depend on the Republican Party? Sure they were mean, and heartless, and both penny-wise AND pound foolish. But you could count on them for one thing. They respected the rule of law. They were the real law and order types. If some judge said you were a felon, then by gosh, you were a felon. Even if you were actually innocent.

Well those days are long past. Now Republicans far and wide are suggesting outright treason against our federal courts. Expressing their desire to impeach judges for the content of their opinions, to ignore court orders, to deny the constitutionality of judicial review. Some are even suggesting that we rewrite the Constitution to reflect our "true christian founding" (I use quotes to signify that this is a "lie").

This is the Republican Party's New Coke moment. Trust me. Soon enough, the reasonable conservatives will look around them and say, "what the hell is going on?" Where's the Classic Coke I know and love? New Coke didn't last that long. Neither will this shit.

Next you are going to tell me that Republicans are ringing up defecits and supporting the Catholic Church . . .

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

By Popular Demand: Dead Popes!

I really don't have a whole heck of a lot to share about the Pope. I mean, I don't think that he was evil, or that all Catholics are going to Hell or anything.

At the same time, I am not a huge fan of them telling people in Africa that condoms don't work. So, really I am torn. I'm certainly not happy that the Pope is dead, but it wasn't like he was going to live forever.

Thus, I will focus my energy on the ridiculous coverage surrounding the utterly foreseeable death of this extremely rich and powerful man.

So I just looked for the first story I could find, which was this glowing piece on CBS news.

Now, am I the only one out there that thinks it probably isn't such a good idea to start off talking about the Pope's "special connection with young people?" Especially in light of this. (Like the source? I do.)

Hmmm. Who else is noted for having a "special connection" with young people? Oh yes, this guy.

And it isn't just CBS. I have heard lots of people noting JP2's "special connection" with the young-uns. I wonder if this is just innocent stupidity, or a back handed way of reminding us of the Church's recent problems. I actually suspect the latter.

Along that same line, and also in the CBS article, is this line: "Ninety percent of priests are holy, decent men, and they've done nothing wrong[.]"

Gee, only 10% are child molesters? And to think I thought this was a big problem. Heck, that's only 40,000 child molesters!

Wouldn't be a blog without some Schiavo

OK, I have to post this. All the other blogs have Shiavo stuff. Frankly, I'm fairly certain that Blogger will automatically deactivate any blog that doesn't contain the word Shiavo as a means of eliminating dead blogs. So, without further adieu . . .

Lots of the right to lifers, have expressed their wish that the Schiavo tragedy never be repeated. (Of course us 'death cult(ers)' can't wait for a chance to kill our own PSV wives) They claim that everyone has the right to live (it's in the freakin' Declaration of Independence for Crissakes!). They even say that even if no one had been willing to foot the bill to feed poor Terri, we as a 'culture of life' should have 'sided with life' and fed her anyway.

So, does this mean that the Right to Lifers are willing to state, on the record, that all Americans have a right to food? Good news for all homeless people! Free food for all. Of course it goes futher than that. Much further.

Ms. Schiavo's food was actually a food paste that was forced through a tube which was surgically implanted in her stomach. Hmmm. That sounds like medical stuff. Does that mean that all Americans have a right to health care? Sure seems like it. If poor braindead Terri deserves free hospitalization, (as some right to lifers have suggested) so do the rest of us. Socialized Medicine here we come! Boo Ya!

Thank's Terri Schiavo. You single handedly turned the Christain Right from 'personal responsibility' spouting assholes into Canadians. Congrats.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Debut Post

Tired of being a thorn in other people's blog's sides, it is finally time to forge out on my own.


After determining that a new blog was, literally, the last thing the world needed, I decided that now was the perfect time to strike - when nobody was paying attention.

Way I see it, writing on this blog is like yelling into a well.

An empty well.

Not like this one:

If I yelled into that well, I would hear some echoey gibberish coming back at me.