Friday, April 22, 2005

Help Wanted

I need a pornography enthusiast (or just a pornography tolerator really) who uses a Windows based system (I'm on a Mac, otherwise, believe me, I'd be all over this) and who wants to annoy Christian Fundamentalists.

The Story:

Xxxchurch is an anti-porn ministry. (Note that I have no problem with what they do. I am sure lots of people suffer from porn addiction and I'm sure the industry takes advantage of women. Hot young sexy women.)

This ministry offers a downloadable program that you can install to your windows based PC. Once installed, it monitors your browsing habits and records all the naughty sites you go to. Ho hum you say? Well this brilliant little program then notifies two "accountability partners" that you get to designate of your transgressions. Boo Ya.

So What Is The Plan?

In short, download the program and assign famous right-wing personalities as your accountability partners* for laughs.

Send them an introductory email. Use a gmail or yahoo account that you've specially made for this purpose. Try to sound totally on the up and up. Say that you've had some problems with pornography, that it is breaking up your marriage, but through Christ's love , you are working it out etc. etc. Tell them you have found this great program and want them, your hero, to hold you accountable. Reassure them that they won't have to do anything, because you will not possibly break down with them involved. Tell them that between you and your mother (your other accountability partner), you will have the strength.

Then be a good boy for a few weeks. After a while though, give in late one night. Nothing too raunchy. (and by the way, I think it sends them a list of domain names, so regardless of the actual content, it is the domain name that matters), something like will be fine for the first slip. (As you may have noticed, doesn't even have any porn. The first link is to Sears for crissakes.)

Immediately (well, ten minutes later) send them an email. Apologize. Maybe even make up a lame excuse. Reassure that you have prayed over it and that you realize how this is hurting you and your family, and you won't let them down again yadda yadda yadda.

Be a good boy for another week or so.

Slip-up again. Only a bit worse this time. Now there are multiple domain names, and they are getting a little more explicit. might be about the right tone. And instead of a few page views, there is a good half hour worth of clicking around.

Apologize profusely again. You shame is palpable.

Keep up this cycle about once per week. Only each time, the slip-up gets worse. The domain names should be overtly nasty by now. In other words, start giving them the good stuff. The following words should now be regularly appearing in their (now weekly) report: Ass, Sperm, MILF, Cock, Asian, Black and so on.

Keep up the guilty apologies as well. Each time. Possiby even explain that once-a-week is a big improvement for you, and that you are convinced that the fact that he (right-wing asshole) is there is keeping you from doing it every night, etc. etc. This might be a good time to mention that Mom is having some difficulties with the types of sites you have been ostensibly looking at.

Now we move into the final phase. If they are still on board, the domains should be getting more and more deviant. The words Teen, Gay, and Gang are with us, and are being joined by She-Male, Gag, and DP which are now sprinkling into the mix. (This could be followed by the inevitable movement into site names that suggest things that are downright illegal, which I am not suggesting at all, though it could be funny if done subtly enough. I.e. No on Kids. Yes on Horses.)

See how long you can string it out. See how long before they realize you are just fucking with them. If anyone does this, and relates an intersting story to me with proof (send to, I will post it here. I promise.

Good luck, and if your porn habit is starting to have a negative impact on your life, may I suggest

*Obviously you aren't going to get the actual email address of a Tom DeLay or James Dobson. (if you do, gimme gimme) However, columnists usually have e-mail addresses. All the Fox guys do.


At 12:19 PM, Anonymous mrsevilneocon said...

You appear to have WAY too much time on your hands, if this is the way you want to get your jollies!

Why you find, "Christian Fundamentalists," so threatening that you would go out of your way to annoy them, is beyond me.

Guilty conscience?

At 2:11 PM, Blogger Seattle Slough said...

Glad you asked, Mrsevilneocon, (or should I say MSevilneocon? Perhaps your marital status has changed in the last hour or so)

Hmmm. Why would I feel threatened by Christian Fundamentalists ("CFs"). . .?

Let me think about it.

How about the fact that they are using a translation of a translation of a 4000 year old book to justify their reasoning on issues that have an impact on me and those I love?

How about the fact that CFs are trying to rewrite history to declare our great secular nation a Christian one. Words that would make the founding fathers (essentially none of whom were christians) roll in their graves.

Perhaps it is because these idiots are making a power grab on all three branches of government. A grab that is unprecedented in terms of its proposed reach on the Judiciary.

Maybe I like science, and don't want documents written by people who believed that the earth was flat regulating scientific study in any way.

Maybe I think that CFs are just as bad as Nigerain 411 scammers and that any effort to keep them busy with nonsense, such as I proposed, is time well spent as it keeps them from spreading their evil messages of hate, intolerance, anti-intellectualism, etc. etc.

Hope this answer is informative to you. Note that I don't really care about religious beliefs. You can believe that there is an alien in a spaceship waiting to take our cloned bodies to the planet KA, or you can believe that an all-powerful man-like God created everything from nothing on a whim and decided to create one special species that, depending on how they acted (or according to some, what they said) ended up either being punished or rewarded for ALL OF ETERNITY. You can believe any ridiculous thing you want sweetie. Go for it. But as soon as you start telling me what I should believe, you shall rightly earn my scorn. CFs tell me what I should believe, so fuck them.

Thanks for the question. Please come again! :)

At 10:12 AM, Anonymous mrsevilneocon said...

Guess I got it right: "Guilty conscience"

At 10:45 AM, Blogger Seattle Slough said...


You have touched my cold hard soul. I now see that Christ is my savior. Thank you mrsevilneocon, you have enlightened my life and saved my eternal soul.

I love you.

At 11:50 AM, Anonymous mrsevilneocon said...

Much better, Seattle Slough! Much better!

Actually, I apologize, as there is a much better word to characterize your, "fear," of CF's. It's called, "paranoia."

I don't think it's a good idea for you to alienate about the only person who is posting here, besides YOU. However, I won't be back again, anyway, as I have no desire to spend any more time on this typical, liberal, hate-and-anger-fest that you are trying to pass off as a, "real," blog!

By the way, this is about the most pitiful attempt at an insult that I have ever seen: (or should I say MSevilneocon? Perhaps your marital status has changed in the last hour or so)

If you can't do any better than that, you don't have much future as a blogger!

Good bye, and good luck!

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Seattle Slough said...


Please don't leave me mrsevilneocon.
Please come back.

We were having such fun. I would have given you the line about paranoia only being the case when they really aren't after you with black helicopters. And other such pearls of wisdom.

It is so lonely here without you.

I miss you. :(

At 9:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about the fact that CFs are trying to rewrite history to declare our great secular nation a Christian one. Words that would make the founding fathers (essentially none of whom were christians) roll in their graves.

What the f*** are you talking about? You like making up stuff and spouting it out as truth?

Many, many of the founding fathers were devout men of faith. You should read their writings -- many references to God and the Bible.

At 10:03 PM, Blogger Seattle Slough said...

God these anonymous posters are stupid! What's up with that?

Maybe that's why they post anonymously.

This genius thinks that just because a guy believes in God, or thinks the bible is an important book, that makes him a Christian. Funny. Unfortunately, you have to have an unwavering belief in the divinity of Christ to be a Christian. Not merely a masonic/deist belief that maybe some God created the universe, but we are on our own now.

Did Stephen Hawking (posting as anonymous) ever notice how the words Jesus and/or Christ aren't in the Constitution? And that they aren't in the Declaration of Independence? And has he read the Treaty of Tripoli lately which says explicitly that the U.S. is not a Christian Nation?

Silly anonymous poster. Guess I can't blame him. If I was that stupid, I would post anonymously as well.

P.S. If this particular anonymous poster is actually a friend of mine just fucking with me by pretending to be the dumbest fuck who ever walked, then bravo. You got me. I totally fell for it.

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At 12:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, dude. That's messed up. And I'm not religious, republican, or any of that. Go work out or something. You'll feel better.


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