Sunday, April 09, 2006

Say it ain't so Nigeria

[I know, it's been a loooong time, sue me.]

Well, they found the so-called forgers of the document our President proffered to convince us that War with Iraq was necessary. The story appears here.

First off, can I say how dismayed I am to learn that it was members of the Nigerian consolate in Italy that produced these documents. What a stain on these people's hard earned reputation. Never let it be said that Nigerians have a reputation for anything but absolute honesty. I hope this forgery doesn't change that. Hopefully two bad apples can't spoil it for the whole bunch.

Second, F-ing Glad has obtained a transcribed copy of the actual forgery. Without further adieu:

Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Lulu Peple Jumbo. I am the head of the uranium depository in Nigeria. I write you in respect of a foreign customer who has a Domicilliary accuont with our department. His name is Late Engr. Armen A. Seginian who died eight years ago in a plane crash in an island in Iran. The name of the island is, Kish Island located in Iran and it is about 45 minutes to UAE. By air. Since the demise of this our customer, Late Engr. Armen A. Seginian, who was an government contractor, I have kept a close watch of the records and accounts and since then nobody has come to claim the yellowcake uranium in this a/c as next of kin to the late Engineer. He had only 500 tons of yellowcake in his a/c and the a/c is coded. It is only an insider that could produce the code or password of the deposit particulars.

As it stands now, there is nobody in that position to produce the needed information other than my very self considering my position in the department. Based on the reason that nobody has come forward to claim the uranium as next of kin, I hereby ask for your cooperation in using your name as the next of kin to the deceased to send this material out to a foreign storage facility for mutual profit between you and I.

At this point I am the only one with the information because I have removed the transaction file from the safe. By this doing, what is required of you is to send an application laying claims of the shipment as next of kin to the late Engineer. I will need your full name and address, company or residential, so that i can computerize them to tally with next of kin column in the certificate of deposit.

Finally i want you to understand that the request for a foreigner as the next of kin is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and for that reason alone a local cannot represent as next of kin. When you contact me, then we shall discuss on how much money will be required.

Trusting to hear from you,

I remain Respectfully yours,

Mr. Lulu Peple Jumbo.

As you can plainly see, this is a very official looking document. Clearly the President had every indication that this crucial transaction was imminent. That this turned out to be a Nigerian forgery is as big a surprise to me as anyone.